Is this your Office?

One of the guys I work with drinks coffee at work. M, is always bitchin' about the lack of respect the other coffee drinkers have. So today he sends me an email with his rants. I am posting this cuz it is way to funny. I did tell him that I was doing this so don't worry.

Background: There are about 500 people in the building. We are a building full of computer geeks and developers. (we don't count the mortgage people as real people since they are just annoying and make a mess in the bathrooms). Coffee in our building is paid for on an honor basis. .25 per cup. More if you have a larger mug. There are 3 coffee stations set up throughout the building. Each area has 1 machine to brew the coffee and 2-3 urns.

Does this sound familiar in your place of work??

Coffee Drinkers at Work by M

Upon returning from my latest excursion to the local coffee station here at work, I decided to come up with a list of everyday people I see in and around said coffee station, on a daily basis and rate them based upon their ability to annoy me in some way or another.

This is a categorization of everyday coffee drinkers at work, and their comprehensive AH rating. (You can guess what the acronym stands for). The AH rating is as follows: 1 being a mildly annoying person...5 being a completely egocentric AH.

• Average Joe: Your run of the mill coffee drinker. Pays for his/her cup, makes a fresh pot when empty, keeps the area relatively clean, and vacates the area in a timely fashion. AH rating: 0
• PigPen: A person who makes an entire mess of everything in and around the coffee machine and refuses to clean up after him/herself.
• Skippy: Usually some big-shot executive who doesn’t have time to wait to get their cup of coffee. They will skip whoever is waiting to pour a cup as if the world revolves around them. AH rating: 5
• Liquid Draino: A person who takes that last cup of coffee, and for some reason, does not make a fresh pot. AH rating: 4 ½
• Spic N Span: The person who has to keep everyting immaculate. Spends 5 minutes cleaning up the entire designated coffee area, and doesn’t let anyone near the coffee pot until they are done. The antithesis of PigPen, though in some ways more annoying. AH rating: 4
• Tea & Crumpets: The person who isn’t actually there to get coffee. They are into the tea thing, and only need hot water for their all organic, vitamin infused, anti-oxidant, karma-centric, super-holistic, chai beverage...or whatever it is these people drink. Normally, they are not a hindrance, but problems arise when they use up the hot water so you have to wait to make a fresh pot of coffee. AH rating: 2
• The Breakfast Club: Not one person, but more like a group of people who feel the need to hang out at the coffee station, spouting their useless banter, or complaining incessantly about work, and generally blocking entry for anyone else wanting to get a cup. AH rating: 2 ½
• Juan Left: A person who takes the second last cup of coffee assuring your fate of having to brew a fresh pot. My personal nemesis. Damn you Jaun Left!!! He always seems to be there just before me. You can’t really blame him though, so hence the lower AH rating. AH rating: 1 1/2 - If they are also a Skippy: 5+
• Martha Stewart: A person who feels the need to decorate the coffee station with flowers, Christmas ornaments, or various other useless decorations. AH rating: 0-½ (depending on extent of decorative insanity)
• Dead Kennedy: The person with blood-shot eyes who staggers to the coffee station in a gin-induced alcoholic haze, smelling like last nights mix of Marlboros, pizza, and bottom-shelf whiskey shots. AH rating: 0–½ (depending on if they breathe in your general direction...Entertainment value is generally high though - Is it wrong to take sadistic pleasure in seeing others suffer?
• Mickey Miser: A person who doesn’t feel the need to pay the quarter for their cup of coffee. They feel that they are above having to pay for coffee, and the lesser peons of the workforce will make up for it. AH rating: 4 ½
• Raspberry Beret: A person who feels the need to make gourmet coffees (like raspberry soufflé, Irish cream, peach cobbler, or some other intricate concoction), and submit others to their idiosyncratic sense of taste. AH rating: 3
• Bean-Trap Victim: The person who inadvertently pulls out the coffee ground receptacle (aka Bean Trap - Is there actually a real word for this thing?) while the brewing process is taking place. The result is a tsunami of bean water, and a volcano of hot coffee grounds which usually scald the victim’s hands and upper arms. General hilarity ensues (I know I’m a sick person) as a string of foul rants and profanities (sometimes rather creative) emenate from the Bean-Trap victim’s mouth. I’ll have to jot some of them down someday, as they are truly masterpieces of vulgarity. AH rating: 0 for comedic value.
• Buttonless Bob/Betty: The person who loads up the Bean Trap with a fresh filter and coffee, but either forgets to push the brew button, or refuses to (as if they are a peace activist who works in a missle silo and it is defcon 5). AH rating: 1-2